This may not make much sense
I feel quite miserable.
I could directly blame the rather tragic ending of book I was reading till late last night, and the lack of sleep I then experienced but it's more than that. I feel a deep emptiness inside. I knew it was always there, it's just been opened up a little more by my reaction to the book. Don't know why this book has effected me so deeply, it's only fiction after all.
Then I read an email from a friend, which should have made me feel better, but it opned up the hole a little more. This isn't just the usual self-pity that grabs me from time to time, "Oh! Woe is me!", and all.
Emptiness, loneliness, lost, alone. I can feel it, it's not just thoughts in my head. It's a very tangible sensation.
I can't blame hormones, although I'd like to. Hey! Maybe the ol' depression is finally reappearing, my old friend. I'm not going back on those tablets. Or maybe it's a lack of sleep. Or the fact I haven't seen a friendly face since before Christmas. Or perhaps it has something to do with not having left the house for more than a couple of hours over the last few months. Or possibly the lack of my usual weekly alcohol-filled Friday night of watching crap, but not caring about anything, is to blame.
It's probably eveything. If I say anything to anyone, if anyone would actually listen, I'd get the same old reply, that of: I need to get out, release myself of the situation that I'm in, or it would be a mumbling of recognition of what I'm feeling, but nothing will change. Not here. Someone will have to die before anything changes.
Maybe I'll just read the third installment of the trilogy, and hope that the end will be something that lifts me up, in some way.
BTW, the book in question in is The Subtle Knife, from the His Dark Materials series.
