Yes yes! This is why I’m going to Birmingham tomorrow…
It’s going to be great. And I’m going on the train, because trains are bloody great too. Although I am starting to have second thoughts about taking the car; will I be able to carry all the shoes that I’m going to buy on the train?
On a slight tangent, I bought a bottle of cherry Lambrini last night (don’t judge me) and it was actually really really nice! Not particularlyalcoholic, but it tastes like liquid cherry drops (the sweets) and made me feel quite nostalgic for the days when we used to sneak out of school to the shop to buy them. Woo!
Now, where I work at “odd community charity” all has never been well. We’re governed by a bunch of (for want of a better word) errr, faffers. They have such lovely grandiose ideas of nothingness/the impossible and seem completely incapable of actually doing anything remotely practical or work-like. Most of them have written academic books on weird and wonderful community strategies…but the fact that not one of them could boil an egg is very worrying.
This is illustrated rather smashingly by what happened at the last away day. The directors had 2 days, in some nunnery near The Priory in London and we, the lowly staff had to turn up on the second day to feel “included”. We thought they actually wanted our input and they were slightly irked at our response to how they’d spent the previous day: they’d just drawn a diagram of our key messages within 3 circles. *sigh*
They thought they’d done something pretty spectacular. We were not impressed.
We still don’t have a strategic plan and we don’t actually allow our members to vote on any key issues on how the organisation is run. I think that this is actually a bit illegal.
Anyway, at our last staff meeting we vented our feelings and I’ve now refused to go to the next away day unless they pull their socks up. Other people are now joining me daily in my stance against the board and it’s faffing.
Now, I like a revolution as much as the next person, I didn’t expect to be one of the ring leaders! I thought it was going to be such a lovely, quiet job. I can feel a P45 coming on.
I love reading the weird and wonderful search terms that people use to find this blog, and we’ve made postings of them before, so I thought it was about time we did again. I’d say about 60% of the time people seem to be searching for something wank-related. Now, we may have mentioned wanking quite a lot on this blog - but I never thought it would have got us into page one on google. I also love the fact that for certain Aerosvit searches, we now actually come above the official company website ranking. A big Woo yay for that achievement!
The remaining 40% appears to be shared between the aforementioned Aerosvit, bed mites, Border guards and a whole load of weird and wonderful shit we’d forgotten we’d ever written about. Oh, and not forgetting Fern Britton (I’m kicking myself I didn’t take a picture now, I really am - sorry folks…although she wasn’t in her bikini, like lots of you were hoping)
Here are some of my recent personal favourites:
BIG ANAL (I’m loving the use of capitals there)
aunty using blouse with white bra (eh?)
we used to take acid to make the world w (Gaaaah - we need the search terms to stop limiting the number of characters! Now we’ll never know exactly what the world was like for them on acid - although I have a good idea…)
crappiest flat in uk (That’s easy, that’s where I used to live in London Road, Stroud)
daytime hardon (errrm, can’t comment on that I’m afraid)
classy tit wank (I just love that - they’re not looking for any old tit wank!)
nothing like a good wank (quite right)
aerosvit bad (oh I don’t know, not all airlines have staff you can drool over)
procrastination kidney (What’s one of those?)
and finally…
unimportant news (awwww, now that’s a bit harsh)
-moosh
p.s. For those who’ve found this page by putting “how to have the ultimate wank” into a search engine - My only advice on the matter is this: it’s all in the mind.
And it’s for precisely this reason that some people have wank banks - to store images/scenarios for future self-love sessions. Myself included. *cough*
Ooo! I’ve just bought a dishwasher, and it is indeed smashing. Go on, pelt me with tomatoes for not being very environmentally friendly, but I will just poke my tongue out at you. (I recycle most of the rubbish possible, so doesn’t that even things out? A bit?)
Anyway -dishwashers are like broadband. Washing up is dial-up, and that’s something that should be confined to dusty museums. Every street should have free wireless broadband, I reckon :D That would be ace.
Dial-up never seemed so bad at the begining - I remember being at college, 5 of us sat around 1 pc waiting for a picture of a car to download (that was our “go” on the internet) and even writing this I can hear my future grandchildren laughing at me for the internet being so crap in the olden days. Humpf.
But I have indeed reached a certain age, when spending a Saturday night watching the outside of a dishwasher working has become quite comforting and not at all sad. Well, it definately beats watching yet another load of police/detective dramas that seem to be on every channel every day of the week at the moment. (Ooo dear, that almost turned into a rant)
Anyway, all that time I’m saving not doing the washing up I can now spend talking about the youth of today and tutting.
As a child I had a healthy obsession with fire, like a lot of other pyromaniac monsters of a certain age. Fair enough you might say. But I could never ever get away with my secret match lighting desires as my mum, as soon as she come back through the front door would just know that I’d been lighting matches - no matter how many windows I opened or how long ago I’d given in to the fiery demon in my head. She also had the predictive ability a few years later, of knowing when I was _about_ to light an incense stick and rush up the stairs to tell me “put it out!”
She could smell things before they happened. Spooky woman. I’m wondering if my nose will develop these skills later in life?
One of the (many) memories of that girls’ school where we went, was a smell of jam that followed me for all of the 5 years I was there. (That and Whale pulling her socks up in French when Mrs Davie asked her what the time was in French, a memory both me and Mrs P-G wont ever let her forget) No-one else reported such jamness, and it almost drove me to distraction. But now, with the benefit of being older and *cough* wiser, I can see that I’ve been smelling smells that aren’t…errr…audible to the normal nose for some time, and just maybe, it explains the aftershave obsessions. Possibly.
Anyway, yesterday just having a quick walk around chav town where I work, all I could smell was airports (odd, given that Chav town is bloody miles from any). It was really strong aviation fuel, and I realised that I really like that smell. Again, associated with nice things like flying away and going somewhere interesting.
So, in no particular order - some smells that I think are smashing. Please feel free to chip in with your own favourite smells
