How To Have A Good Wank
Clearly many of you have been looking for the answer to this particular concern. And I think it’s about time you got some answers.
So, here it is: The Nothing (much) To Report Guide To How To Have A Good Wank. Enjoy.
No, really, enjoy it. That’s the first rule. There’s no point in getting to know yourself personally in the “biblical sense” if you aren’t enjoying it. Half-hearted masturbation will only lead to disappointment and a general bad temper. Ask anyone who’s been there. *looks around*
Also, try not to get interrupted during your self-love time, unless you’re really into that sort of thing. It puts a big dampener on any orgasm. Especially if the someone interrupting you is a family member, and you’re just about to come. And instead of enjoying the moment and going with it, you’re very suddenly having to think and making sure they’re unlikely to see anything that would need mind bleach.
If you’re using sex toys, whether they be vibrating ones or not, be careful. You’d be surprised by the kind of injuries caused by those high-addictive gadgets. Blisters being the least of them!
Keep the Wank Bank well stocked. It’s not a joyous thing to discover during the latest round of spelunking that your mental store of fantasies has run out or gotten so over-used or tired as to be ineffectual and the need for external porn is great. More so if the internet is not available or there is no suitable literature to hand. That’s possibly one more aimed at the girls. Guys tend be more visual so you’re probably already got a handy stash of magazines or your favourite porn site on standby.
I have mostly assumed that it’s only gents looking for clues on how to self-pleasure. In the same way I’ve assumed that all the searches for the term “wanking my father” are for on the hunt for fairly harmless incest-based pornography and not actual tips and tricks on how to position yourself into getting a hand, lubed up or otherwise, on your old man’s cock until he splutters out a climax.
If it’s for the former that you’re looking, sorry, out of luck here, this ain’t that sort of blog. And if it’s the latter, ditto.
Ok, that’s it for part one. Should you have any questions, please send them to beachedwhaler(at)gmail.com or leave a comment.
Bea
Bad Wank
Net firms in music pirates deal
Six of the UK’s biggest net providers have agreed a plan with the music industry to tackle piracy online.
The deal, negotiated by the government, will see hundreds of thousands of letters sent to net users suspected of illegally sharing music.
Hard core file-sharers could see their broadband connections slowed, under measures proposed by the UK government.
BT, Virgin, Orange, Tiscali, BSkyB and Carphone Warehouse have all signed up.
Geoff Taylor, chief executive of the BPI, which represents the music industry, said: “All of the major ISPs in the UK now recognise they have a responsibility to deal with illegal file-sharers on their networks.”
Mr Taylor said it had taken years to persuade ISPs to adopt this view.
The plan commits the firms to working towards a “significant reduction” in the illegal sharing of music.
It also commits the net firms to develop legal music services. “Conversations are ongoing between record labels and ISPs,” said Mr Taylor.
Letters to pirates
The BPI has focused on educational efforts and limited legal action in recent years, in contrast to the US, which has embarked on tens of thousands of lawsuits against alleged file sharers.
The six internet service providers have signed a Memorandum of Understanding drawn up by the Department for Business, Enterprise & Regulatory Reform (BERR).
The Motion Picture Association of America has also signed up.
The BPI said the memoranum covered consumers who were both uploading and downloading music.
Mr Taylor said: “The focus is on people sharing files illegally; there is not an acceptable level of file-sharing. Musicians need to be paid like everyone else.”
He added: “File-sharing (of copyright tracks without permission) is not anonymous, it is not secret, it is against the law.”
At the same time the government has started a consultation exercise that could result in laws that force net firms to tackle music piracy. A working group will be set up under the auspices of regulator Ofcom to look at effective measures to tackle persistant file-sharers.
Mr Taylor said newspaper reports stating that online users could be subject to an annual levy to cover losses from file-sharing were incorrect.
“A levy is not an issue under discussion. It has not been discussed between us and government and as far as we are aware it is not on the table.”
He said: “There should be effective mechanisms in place (to deter file-sharing) and as long as they are effective, we don’t mind what they are.”
The consultation document proposed that hard core file-sharers could have technical measures imposed, such as “traffic management or filtering and marking of legitimate content to facilitate identification”.
In the past few weeks net firms Virgin and BT have sent letters to some customers identified by the BPI, which represents the UK record industry, as persistent music pirates.
‘Long process’
Before now the BPI has called for a “three-strikes” system which would see net connections of persistent pirates terminated if three warnings went ignored.
Many net firms have resisted the call from the BPI and have said it is not their job to act as policemen.
Feargal Sharkey, chief executive of British Music Rights, said the plan was “a first step, and a very big step, in what we all acknowledge is going to be quite a long process”.
Mr Sharkey, formerly lead singer with The Undertones added: “Government, particularly in the UK, has now realised there is an issue, there is a problem there.”
One BBC News website user Mark, from Hampshire, said he downloaded and shared files illegally and argued customers were “getting their own back”.
In an e-mail, he said: “I used to run half a dozen record shops in the 80s and saw how far the fat cats of the record industry would go, in milking customers and retailers dry with more hyped rubbish.”
“Why should I yet again pay for, say, the Beatles’ White Album at full whack? I already bought it on LP, eight-track, cassette, and CD! This is those customers getting their own back.”
“So will this make me sharing a CD with my next-door neighbour over the fence illegal?” he added.
Celeb magnet!
Two celebrities in one week! I need to go for a lie down.
Yesterday I saw Jake Moon from Eastenders on the tube! He doesn’t half walk fast, I practically had to run after him to catch him up on the escalator. But I did manage it, then I sniffed him a bit (subtley) before dashing off in front of him to try and gawp a bit more.
In all honesty, he looked a bit sad. Had he been looking chipper, I may have tried to take a blurry picture of him.
All this being in London crap has taken it’s toll – I’m thinking of just setting up camp on Paddington Station to save myself 3 hours a day.
-moosh
Whilst we’re at it…
I thought I’d come out of retirement to throw my 5 kopeks worth in.
The world has been particularly bendy lately, but that’s all part of it. Without bends, the world is just one long straight thing. It’s when it bends in one direction too much that you have to do something pretty drastic to get it to quit, or you usually do in my case 
This is where I’d usually go on about universal flux, but I think I’d be on my own tangent there and we’re not short of tangents around here so I’ll just set the record straight about Steve Punt instead.
Firstly, I’m so glad I was flapping too much to go up to the bar and say hello to him, mostly because he wasn’t Hugh Dennis (who I thought he was at the time *ahem*) and also because I’m just too incredibly star struck. Blog regulars will remember my frothing at seeing Ian Hislop about a year ago. I can’t help it, celebrity culture has just made me petrified of them – even more so than hairdressers. So for that reason, I find it best just to dribble and try to take sneaky blurred pictures of them.
Lastly, whilst we’re still doing deep – I’ll put up some lyrics that have brought a tear to my eye only today:
Tobacco smoke has consumed the air…do you remember – beyond that window in a frenzy where I first stroked your hand…and you sit here today with an iron-clad heart…In the dark hallway my arm, broken by trembling won’t fit right away in my sleeve…I’ll run out, throw my body into the street - I’ll rant, wild, lashed by despair…Don’t let it happen my love, my darling, let us part now…After all my love is a heavy weight hanging on you no matter where you go…Besides your love I have no ocean and your love won’t grant even a tearful plea for rest…Besides your love I have no sun, but I don’t even know where you are and with whom…I won’t throw myself downstairs or drink poison neither can I put a gun to my head…No blade holds me transfixed but your glance…Would the dry leaves of my words force you to stop gasping for air?
At least let me leave you this last tenderness, as you take your leaving steps.
*blows nose*
-Moosh
(now safely back in hiding)
Strange people
I think you should all know about this.
Moosh and Fwapper are currently in some public house in London, making arses of themselves. Easily done, trust me, I’ve seen these things happen.
They’ve sent me a series of over-excited texts about one Steve Punt. Precisely, Moosh was sat opposite him; Fwapper has “seen” him.
Moosh has flapped and probably made the poor Steve Punt wish he hadn’t actually chosen that pub to wander into for a wished-for quiet pint.
It’s probably for the best that he doesn’t know that Fwapper is nursing a semi thanks to him. I’m sure Fwapper will be making full use of his erection and his memory of the “fwap hot” Mr Punt just as soon as he can. Fwapper not previously known for comedian love, will now never be able to live this down. (I shall make sure of that!!!)
These people are to be avoided for your own safety. I’ve taken all inoculations and vaccinations against them, so I will be safe in their presence.
Last Flowers
Appliances have gone berserk
I can’t look you up
Treading on people’s toes
Snot-nosed little fools
And I can’t face the evening straight
And you can’t offer me escape
Houses live and houses speak
If you take me there you’ll get relief
Believe, believe, believe, believe…
And if I don’t know ??
I just wanna talk
Please don’t interrupt
Just sit back and listen
Cause I can’t face the evening straight
And you can’t offer me escape
Houses live and houses speak
If you take me there you’ll get relief
Believe, believe, believe, believe…
It’s too much
Too bright
Too powerful
Too much
Too bright
Too powerful
Too much
Too bright
Too powerful
Too much
Songwriters: Greenwood, Colin Charles; Greenwood, Jonathan Richa; O’Brien, Edward John; Selway, Philip James; Yorke, Thomas Edward;
I almost disappeared off the planet
listening to this last night.
I’ll be more careful next time.
Now then
I don’t know what it’s like wherever you are now (Thursday 3rd July @ 5.25PM) but it’s lovely outside here. There’s a light breeze and fluffy clouds, but plenty of blue sky and sunshine. But from tomorrow there will only be DOOM!
For tomorrow, I and a couple of Fwappers, one from London no less, are chugging off to West Wales for the weekend, where we shall be partaking of beer, poker, black sambuca, whistling kettles, torches, some whips and one person in a crash helmut.
And enjoying the rain. And the wind.
And we’re supposed to be going swimming, in the sea. So this may be the last thing I ever write.
If I don’t die a cold, miserable death in the sea, or from excess alcohol I’ll write up all the half remembered events and non-events. It shouldn’t be too difficult to recall as there will be the usual note taking, but with three adding to the notes more ground should be covered. Or not.
And yes, a person sometimes known as Moosh (late of this blog) will be there. Who else might be there is a mystery. Obviously I know who the other person is, but what we have been speculating on who else might be staying at the caravan site at the same time of year. There are no school holidays currently; it’s not a bank holiday weekend; there are no big events occurring locally. So we suspect there might be lots of OAPs, and swingers and possibly OAP swingers. If there are, be sure that we’ll need out for you. No doggers expected, but you never know!
