How To Have A Good Wank

31 July, 2008 at 11:55 pm (Matron!, T'internet) (National_Orgasm_Day)

Clearly many of you have been looking for the answer to this particular concern. And I think it’s about time you got some answers.

So, here it is: The Nothing (much) To Report Guide To How To Have A Good Wank. Enjoy.

No, really, enjoy it. That’s the first rule. There’s no point in getting to know yourself personally in the “biblical sense” if you aren’t enjoying it. Half-hearted masturbation will only lead to disappointment and a general bad temper. Ask anyone who’s been there. *looks around*

Also, try not to get interrupted during your self-love time, unless you’re really into that sort of thing. It puts a big dampener on any orgasm. Especially if the someone interrupting you is a family member, and you’re just about to come. And instead of enjoying the moment and going with it, you’re very suddenly having to think and making sure they’re unlikely to see anything that would need mind bleach.

If you’re using sex toys, whether they be vibrating ones or not, be careful. You’d be surprised by the kind of injuries caused by those high-addictive gadgets. Blisters being the least of them!

Keep the Wank Bank well stocked. It’s not a joyous thing to discover during the latest round of spelunking that your mental store of fantasies has run out or gotten so over-used or tired as to be ineffectual and the need for external porn is great. More so if the internet is not available or there is no suitable literature to hand. That’s possibly one more aimed at the girls. Guys tend be more visual so you’re probably already got a handy stash of magazines or your favourite porn site on standby.

I have mostly assumed that it’s only gents looking for clues on how to self-pleasure. In the same way I’ve assumed that all the searches for the term “wanking my father” are for on the hunt for fairly harmless incest-based pornography and not actual tips and tricks on how to position yourself into getting a hand, lubed up or otherwise, on your old man’s cock until he splutters out a climax.

If it’s for the former that you’re looking, sorry, out of luck here, this ain’t that sort of blog. And if it’s the latter, ditto.

Ok, that’s it for part one. Should you have any questions, please send them to beachedwhaler(at)gmail.com or leave a comment.

Bea