Nun the wiser
Trying to remember last weekend’s events is proving a tad difficult given the sheer volume of liquid beverages consumed, and my out-of-practiceness/inability to pace oneself. *ahem*
It all started with an idea to avoid being a lettuce, that started something like this: “We have alot of black clothes, don’t we? Well – we should go as nuns then”.
And indeed we did.
I decided to make my headress because I was feeling adventureous and had also left it far too late to order anything off of ebay. A couple of meters of black cloth from Lewisham later, and a battle with my mum’s sewing machine, I was looking the part. So much so that when I came downstairs for the first time I was told that I wasn’t expected to look quite that much like a nun. Result. But on getting to Bea’s house – she said I should stop looking so authentic and put a short skirt on to become slutty nun to her sparkly. It worked for me.
We had many strange looks on the way into town, probably because so very few other people were actually in fancy dress. We stopped off in one pub on the way that we had vague memories of being “nice”. They were having kareoke. Gaaaah. I did laugh when I read the text from ‘er: you can’t truly appreciate how out of tune she is. But I can here in the bogs. She was bloody awful, and it was decided to drink up very quickly – just as the compare asked if the nuns would like to stand up and do a number. *run away*
We finally caught up with Hayley and everyone else in the Brunny and more drinks were consumed. It was a bit shouty and a bit dead in there, so we decided to get some more money and go to good old Cafe Rene. We would decide later if we wanted to carry on to Crappers with the others. Of course, the trouble with that is once you get comfy in Cafe Rene the desire to leave deminishes.
We were taken into the fold of the other dressed up people in Rene and given some very strange black drink with bits in by a woman dressed in a red feather boah. And it was good. There was the usual dancing and drinking and talking to strange people – aided by the being in costume.
Lots of people wanted to confess their sins to us (which was technically wrong, as we weren’t priests – but it was good to hear them anyway). But I must say that the sins were a little tame: anal sex (not with another man), sleeping with people you shouldn’t etc etc. The people of Gloucester have no imagination. I have a rather hazy recollection of Bea making some bloke take his clothes off as punishment and me holding them. I wasn’t entirely sure where we were going with that at one point, but you know me – I like to go with the flow.
Now, I may have dreamt this: but some people came up to us and said they wanted to take our pictures (we were quite sweaty nuns at this point) because we’d won. They had a quite official looking camera. I’m quite scared of what will happen to those photos :S
I actually think I’m still hungover. I’m never going to drink again. Baaaah.
-moosh
Where to start?
Well, lets start with the good stuff:
I saw 12 magpies this morning. I know that 2 is for joy, so the rhyme goes. Hopefully 12 is extremely lucky?
My car is all fixed, and I know far more than I ever wanted to know about EGR valves. Also, as a plus point, I know that my brakes work reeeeeally well. A suicidal squirrel decided to test them at 8am this morning (he was damn lucky!) Aha! Perhaps that’s what 12 magpies mean – “you will nearly crash your car trying to save a small fluffy creature”. Doesn’t fit very well into a catchy ditty though, does it?
The annual Halloween fancy dress pub crawl thing is next weekend. I will certainly be attempting not to be sick up any 4x4s this year. *cough*
We are yet to decide on the costumes, and if we don’t make a decision soon it will default to lettuces. Again. Thankfully we have never actually had to go as a lettuce, but we’re getting dangerously close to that at the moment.
And the rest:
The Carpet-jumpered freak is to be told today about my official complaint against her (I decided against the wee on the chair tactic) and so am awaiting the fall-out. She’s gonna do one of about 3 things:
- Rant at me
- Be sickly nice to me
- Be a complete arse by making stupid but cleverly thought out work-related demands
I’d prefer a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to sort it all out…but I think it’s gonna end in tears. Hopefully not mine. I can always use the wee on the chair as a last resort 😉
I accepted some flowers for a category b) mistake when I should have just ran away. What *is* wrong with me lately?
I accidentally put in a bid for some designer shoes on ebay thinking I wouldn’t get them. I did. They’re £58. Considering my current financial situation, I shouldn’t really be buying them. D’oh.
I clicked on ‘reply’ instead of ‘forward’ on an email from the yank office. There will be no trips to NY. The email was meant for my boss, to poke fun at them for being so crap. They now know *exactly* what I think of them. Eeeeeek!
Incidently, have not lost my job yet for aforementioned mistake. So, that should go in the “good stuff” category. Possibly.
All in all, a strange few weeks. But then, I don’t consider “may you live an interesting life” to be a curse.
Good job too.
-moosh
Answers to questions
Just what you’ve always wanted to know the answers to (according to Moosh) , and have been searching for :
- drive from dunkerque to bruges – yes, drive as fast and as far away from Dunkerque as you can. Bruges is lovely – don’t eat too many waffles though and please go on a boat and tell us about how nice it was.
- can you tell me the reason for the flowers – quite simply, no but I’ll have a go. Flowers are usually either bought in a) the heady first days of love, or b) when someone has done something wrong. If you are not in category a) run away very fast.
- how to wank – look, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times – get yourself a wank bank and keep it topped up regularly with real life scenarios such as (for example, plucked purely out of the air *ahem*) getting fingered in your place of work. I find this one to work on so many levels – not only can you have the satisfaction of doing it on a colleague/boss’s desk, but when you are in a dull meeting you can let your mind wander back to this moment and re-live the back-archingly good orgasm. *cough*
- how do i have a good wank – see above.
- Gogglebox TV router configuration – Errrr. Sorry, can’t help you. Do people still really call it the gogglebox?
- “ian hislop” glasses – what? Is that some kind of style of glasses? You want some? I suggest Specsavers, although I doubt that Ian Hislop actually goes there – he probably goes to some swanky place in London.
- cafe rene birdlip – no, I’m sorry, Cafe Rene is in Gloucester. I’m not going to tell you where, as it’s difficult enough to get to the bar on a Saturday night without having random people from blogs turning up. Although it is a *very* good pub.
- how much baggage can you take in aerosvit – 20 kilos I think in Economy – like most scheduled airlines. Although, don’t take my word for it – you could try checking their website – but it’s shite.
- british over polite – yes, we are. And we’re very proud of it, thank you very much.
- shagging in a car – Although I actually lost my viginity in a car, I can’t say I’d recommend it, unless you have something like a volvo estate. My little sporty car is *far* too small to even accomodate such thoughts, let alone the deeds.
- jizz in his socks – ewwww! That’s not nice. I can handle jizz in the hair, on the face and other such places but not on the socks. That’s just plain wrong.
- dogging events in swindon – Not a clue. Just turn up to any old dark car park and you’ll be sure to see lots of old men in rain coats waiting for some action. You wont see a Moosh or a Bea though – we’re far too scared to even go out after dark now after the events at Birdlip.
- wanking bus stop – Is that a bus stop that wanks, or someone wanking at a bus stop? Either one conjures up bizarre images.
-moosh
A quick question…
Would you rather:
Fist David Cameron live on TV
OR
Wank a badger in the privacy of your own home?
-moosh
[most people so far seem to be opting for the badger option, although this can in no way be considered a scientific study, or an indication that people would vote conservative]
Where have all the Ukrainians gone?
Was what I was pondering yesterday.
OK so this post isn’t about men in uniform making you go weak at the knees, or wanking, but it does fit nicely into the fwappability category. Well, my fwappability category anyway.
I was, in fact in Birmingham Airport yesterday. Quite innocently. And whilst I was there, I couldn’t actually help but think back to the new year shenanigans and related Ukrainian-sniffing.
Much to my own surprise, I found myself wandering over to the Swissport desk. To ask them what, god only knows, but before I knew it I was stood there. Thankfully something in my brain managed to engage before I started asking bizarre and babbling questions about Aerosvit’s flying schedule to the person behind the counter. It could quite possibly have had something to do with the fact that the sign above them which reads “Handling agents for the following airlines” was quite distinctly missing an entry for Aerosvit. Boo. It made me sad…as well as slightly less guilty for stealing a set of the in-flight cutlery. *cough*
Back in reality, it was time to meet the flight I’d gone there to meet and so took my place by the international arrivals; more or less where he had stood. It gave me a really odd feeling, like a ghost feels I’d imagine – forever pacing corridors that they walked in real life. I told myself I’d better get a grip.
Armed with this new found reality and grippedness, I decided on the following:
I:
- Will start looking for a new job (seriously this time, not just thumb through The Citizen idly)
- Will tidy up my car again
- Will stop wanting to smoke cigarettes when drunk
- Will stop thinking about wanting to smoke cigarettes when drunk
- Will *try* to be sensible for at least 5 minutes a day
- Will stop panicking about being nearly 30. Gaaaaaaaaaah! (starting from tomorrow)
- Will lose that elusive 1/2 stone
- Will travel the rest of the world. Alone if I don’t ever find anyone with as itchy feet as me
- Will write brilliantly brilliant, sucessful number one sellling book
- Will stop writing lists (again, starting from tomorrow)
-moosh
Nothing (much) To Report 